Im a 14 year old girl who doesnt want to wear a hijab but my parents force me to wear one. It makes me dislike it more. Im not ready for one no matter what people say and they get really mad at me. I have bad grades and no motivation. What do I do?
07.06.2025 01:38
For an even cheesier and more melodramatic take on honor and shame vs. guilt and morality, check out Reign, especially the fourth season - the scene closing Rizzio’s tragic-heroic, spoiler alert, arc, especially. The opening sequences are mostly about romance and gossip, but it takes sharp turn in season four. It’s not as artistically quality, sterling, and profound as Turn, and plays super fast and loose with history yet more, but it’s also very well-done and underrated overall, and worth watching for both learning and sheer entertainment, sparkle, and fun. That’s just for fun, but what fun.
How do the ideas in the film and RBG’s biography relate to the development, history, theory, beliefs and politics of modern feminism? How was RBG’s feminism different from yet built on feminism of prior generations? How did she expand on prior generations and add her own creativity and bravery? How did her theories and ideas emphasize the intersectionality of men and women together as well as mutual gender equality? Who are your personal and political favorite feminists and why? You might also reflect on women in Islam and religion generally. For instance, Rabia of Basra, Aisha, Khadijah, and additional figures such as the Virgin, Mary, female saints and sages in Christianity, Joan of Arc for instance, Ima Shalom, the prophetess Miriam, Bruriah, the judge, Deborah, are all relevant here. Or Sarah/Sarai, Rachel, Leah, and Hagar. Consider the commentary on Hagar and additional topics Not in G-d’s Name, which as in additional books on Religion, the late, great Sacks elucidates Hagar’s spiritual and psychological journey, deep faith and vibrant maternal compassion brilliantly. Hagar, he explains, is a tragic heroine of faith, like Sarah/Sarai, but in a different way. She is a founding mother of Islam, but her journey is tragic, not only heroic, like Sarah, Rebecca (Rivka, also my [Hebrew] name) and others, because all the matriarchs and patriarchs of Faith travel such an intense journey in different ways. We read of similar notions with Avraham - Ibrahim - and Isaac, Ishmael, Jacob, and Joseph.
Kwan also wrote a brief visual memoir, possibly useful and inspiring to you. Her educational videos and resources as philanthropist, diplomat, and activist, and those of Oksana Baiul, such as Baiul’s speech on her struggling, endangered, oppressed and bleeding nation, or Kwan’s on disability rights you may find of interest. They are brave voices of reason in a troubled, troubling world.
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Collected works, esp. essays/articles, Toni Morrison
Thanks so much for reaching out to me, it’s super brave. Super brave - super heroine brave. I deeply appreciate and respect your deep bravery. The curiosity to learn, inquisitiveness, bravery, and forthrightness you show here are deeply commendable and I salute you for expressing and embodying these noble intellectual as well as moral virtues.
There is a book of conversations with RBG, edited by Jeffrey Rosen, which discusses Malala and her heroism, leadership, activism and scholarship in depth, dimension, and detail.
“ Frances” is super tragic and for this very reason super cathartic. Trigger warning, it’s also super intense. You might spoiler alert, watch it with a peer, mentor, and/or both. The lead performance is awesome, gorgeous, and haunting. As you seem to be a teen, and going through a rough epoch in your life, watching with someone else, anyone supportive, may be a wise idea. The themes of repression, repression of women, antifeminist politics, political and religious extremism (she’s excommunicated from society in part due to her atheism, boldly expressed as a youth; also her instability, diverse personal and political rebellions, threatening creativity, growing psychological issues/vices: rage, crisis, impulsivity, and desperation; and gender) sound relevant to you as to us all. And relatable and resonant to you as us all. The film also explores how the repression of women harms men, as in a gentler way On the Basis of sex does, showing a tragic-romantic hero played by the brilliant actor Shepard, also a playwright. The film features bold, brilliant performance after bold, brilliant performance. It’s a bold, brilliant, beautiful work of art. It has a bravura technical and artistic quality. It’s overall golden. It’s superlative aesthetically, technically and in every way, opening with haunting Mozart music ironically played. It is just very, very, intentionally, difficult to watch. And very, very, intentionally, disturbing. There is, trigger warning, violence and intense cruelty towards women; issues of sexuality, honor and shame vs. guilt and morality, and tyrannical state, cultural, psychological-interpersonal repression. And religious repression.
Grades and motivation are a separate issue from veiling. It sounds like it’s possible you are coping with anxiety, depression, a combination of both, or some other psychological and personal issue. This is separate from, though possibly connected to, your issues with both spirituality and organized religion.
You don’t indicate your family are abusive in any way. I hope that is the case. If physical abuse or threats ever happens, call police, but if not, definitely don’t - even if you are being verbally, psychologically abused, or both, sadly, it’s just usually, very rarely, a crisis cops are equipped, or prepared to cope with that. And in some contexts, as Yasmine Mohammed has noted, not only police but the legal system in Western nations evilly, tragically, systemically and personally colludes with Islamist abuse, trauma and terror. In extreme contexts this involves doing nothing about threats of an honor murder as has happened in Sweden and other nations.
What techniques can be used to sing like Freddie Mercury if one is unable to hit high notes?
A non-Muslim peer, mentor, and/or both, or multiple such is possibly your best bet, but don’t rule out a Muslim such, either and/or both. Perhaps a Muslim friend your age, especially a female but not only - might work. Girls can be competitive and sometimes bullying but also deeply supportive, gentle, respectful, compassionate and kind and generous to one another; pick the second variety, even if less popular! Virtue is more important than popularity, status, privilege, prestige or power infinitely; and more important in the eyes of Allah. Valuing one over the other will be handy in many future contexts as well as now. And give you special wisdom at a youthful as well as more mature ages. Which given the courage, toughness, honesty and sensitivity and overall moral and intellectual virtue of this question I can see you already possess most vividly, memorably, clearly, and nobly!
Maybe this has to do with fashion for you, and you feel a need to express and dig deep to your feminist, sensuality, style, and inner feminine nature. Being a girl, and later woman, involves dolling up after all. Many females, of all ages, love makeup, fashion, shoes, and overall style and design. Although this can be expressed with veiling - note how many women, Orthodox Jewish, Hasidic, rationalist-Orthodox-Jews, Amish, Orthodox Christian, Mennonite, Black Catholicism, Black Protestantism, conservative-catholic, diverse-conservative-Protestant, and Islamic, not to mention Hindu or Buddhist find creative ways to both cover up and stay creative and beautiful re: style, hair, otherwise, and/or both: in a diverse and massive range of styles, arts and genres…sparkles, flowers, embroidery, even jewelry on some veils…to the point where we often forget the purpose of veiling is theoretically modesty, or abiding by religious laws in letter not spirit, fundamentally: it’s in many ways easier to be creative and beautiful and sensual and free with style, sans hijab. That’s okay. That doesn’t make you less of a Muslim, inauthentic religiously, or over-sexed. It doesn’t make you boy-crazy. It just means you love fashion and style, including hair-related not only. That is a healthy expression of femininity, the authentic, courageous, honest, self-aware and beautiful kind not the toxic one! The world sure could use more of that: it’s beautiful, brave, fabulous! And NOT impious necessarily. You can be a better or worse Muslimah with the hijab, better or worse without the hijab. True modesty is spiritual, not only physical. The physical is meant to help with the spiritual, the spiritual doesn’t exist for the physical, but vice versa, the physical manifestation for the spiritual, Platonic essence. The spiritual Platonic ideal and essence of hijab as both practice, spirituality, custom, law and ideal and commitment, can manifest through words and actions. Character and conduct. Virtue and honor. Courage and integrity: your questions shows all this admirably. And freedom, openness, and frankness of conversation, speech, and covenant. Your question shows this too. Stay with covenant and conversation, what Sacks called covenant and conversation.
A good book for young girls and women, in addition to Kwan’s: Winter Season, Toni Bentley
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Splendor in the Grass, like Miss Julie and Romeo and Juliet, WSS and Titanic, deals brilliantly and boldly and beautifully with just those themes. How to reconcile the sensual and the spiritual, lust and love. There’s a gorgeous scene in Splendor when the heroine - genius-level virtuosically played by the legendary and great Wood wonders how to pray. The preacher encourages her to listen to her own heart. That’s a great message for you, me, us all! Speaking of Wood, as with the classic cartoon on Saint Bernadette, the Prince of Egypt animation movie, in a cheesy but real and moving way, the first Miracle on 34th St. (I didn’t see the second), shows the power of faith, love, and innocence - and how deeply, inextricably, ultimately they are linked and identified.
They also both deal with gender, sexuality, censorship, self-censorship and repression, specifically and especially of women, but handle these themes, if both boldly and brilliantly, differently. “ American Pastoral” by Philip Roth charts the difference and culture clash between a far-left honor-and-shame culture and tragedy, and the hero main character and alter ego narrator’s world of guilt, morality, a sense of justice and internally-based honor; and righteousness. He depicts the Left, not the right, as repressive and explosive here, in Indignation the opposite. Indignation also seems rather influenced or inspired by Potok, specifically The Promise, like Good Will Hunting. The themes of censorship, repression, paranoia, the use of a manipulative, bullying yet complex and well-meaning teacher as a key plot device and character exploration, the political and historic backdrop of the Korean War, and the exploration of cancel culture from personal, interpersonal, and systemic angles, and the use of war, death, destruction, and historical traumas as a backdrop as well as thematic context not only historical or sweeping epic one though all: these are serious and unifying commonalities. They suggest common influence and inspiration.
Explain to family and community: it’s not about leaving Islam. Just the veil. It may be difficult to separate the two for them, but explain for you, they are separate, distinct, and compartmentalized.
West Side Story, the movie musical, the original classic, deals beautifully with themes of honor-and-shame cultures, two rival ones, as does its Shakespearean basis and creative inspiration, Romeo and Juliet - the Zeffirelli adaptation is best, Luhrmann’s is also fantastic and original if not quite as bold, progressive, beautiful, and brilliant. You can also see Romeo and Juliet on ice: Kristi Yamaguchi and Sasha Cohen skated to it, Rudy Galindo with Yamaguchi who also skated a solo to the music. Cohen, a Japanese ice ballerina named Akiko Suzuki, and the Russian ice ballerina Gordeeva, also skated to that music all beautifully, and brilliantly. The Ulanova, Ferri and Makarova versions are great to watch for dance. You can find videos of both the classic Tudor and Macmillan versions; the Macmillan classic is now playing at ABT. All and any of these might speak to you.
The Bluest Eye, which relied on the same editor, Robert Gottlieb, is also strikingly similar, in different ways - with the themes of racial self-loathing, the burdens of history and historical trauma and intergenerational trauma, a damaged and sympathetic, misunderstood, rebellious child at the center, but subtly different from Potok as there’s a subtle feminist slant. He has hints of that in his work too actually: not so different. All these books and works might be powerful and engaging, inspiring and useful for you. Consider also the music scores to the films: Heiress and Zeffirelli’s classic especially: these are classics of movie and broad music genres and traditions, with Rota’s inspiring much, diverse and great ice dance! See also those of GWH, Splendor, Titanic, Frances, Tootsie, WSS, and more. Music can be a great source of cathartic, expression, joy, creative inspiration, personal inspiration and learning. Community too.
Verbal and psychological abuse from your family may not be a good reason to involve police - as that might just escalate the issue(s). In addition they may be under-equipped and puzzled to deal with such situations, they are primarily trained to cope with physical not emotional dangers and violences.
The drama also explores a dysfunctional family, with a brilliant, bold, horrifically bravura performance by Kim Stanley as the heavy. I don’t recall who plays the villainous shrink or another Hollywood villain; the Hollywood one is a guy expert in crafting cinematic villains; he was in, I think, Quiz Show - a film all about honor and shame vs guilt. and morality, incidentally. He did a similar character. He is chilling here.
True modesty, like true beauty, is inner. Keep that in mind! An ice skater like Caroline Zhang, Alina Zagitova, Yamaguchi, Asada, Kim, or Kwan can be deeply modest even while wearing skimpy clothing such as one of Zhang’s outfit that failed to cover one shoulder, and asymmetrical and subtly sexy look. And she did that skating to religious music, Ave Maria, of all things! Not artistically inappropriate: artistically brilliant. Blasphemous? I think not. Is Zagitova blasphemous or deserving punishment? Some like the mullahs of Iran would 100 percent, fervently, systemically, say, Yes. Or Mustafina, the Bronze Olympic Champion? Some again yes. Who competes in even less than Zagitova did? (Her long gloves and tutu cover more of her than a typical skating costume but the reason for that is likely at least as artistic as religious: looking like a ballerina in a ballet solo helped her earn higher scores and out-compete her tough rival, Medvedeva. Gloves are in style in Russian fashion in skating and broadly; tutus too.)
You can also ask peers furtively and quietly for recommendations. Any teachers, preachers, elders or other spiritual guides or spiritual leaders or spiritual educators in your community or perhaps family who can help? A secular-culture-Muslim teacher/coach such as a calligraphy teacher or art teacher might be ideal, or a rare, authentically liberal, compassionate and human religious teacher/preacher/leader/elder/guide/educator. A local or familial or communal elder or any and all combinations might also work. Consider carefully these choices - pick someone sensitive, compassionate, rational, liberal, sympathetic to you personally and ideologically, and humane. And trustworthy with secrets and confidences.
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Looking at visual religious art, including, even and especially Islamic or diverse veils, might be of interest and helpful. Consider also the Islamic, Jewish, Hindu, and Christian religious art at the Met Museum here in NYC. They also show a fine Buddhist and Confucian art sections, and even ancient spiritualities of Egypt, Greece, Rome, and additional regions all around the globe! The art of India is most elegant, diverse, and great. See also that of Italy and Eastern Europe, home to much elegance and greatness in art, Christian and secular, indeed diverse. The Islamic art is also wondrous, elegant, diverse, and great: see the wondrous water prayer garden and Iranian rug, for instance, plus numerous gorgeous manuscripts, also available in the Christian section; one or two in the Jewish section. The Buddhist and Confucian art sections are wonderful and if memory serves there is also fine, great, elegant Daoist art too! Islamic art may be especially helpful and inspiring as you search for and locate ways to blend, balance, and dialectically reconcile both personally and ideologically the sensual and the spiritual.
Do role-play with trusted allies, individual or ideally, multiple if you can find such. One if you can’t.
I’m not a therapist and it’s definitely advisable to talk to a therapist. I am just an advice columnist. So, consider talking to a therapist, there may be one at your school or more than one - the guidance counselors, maybe additional psychologists - or social workers or both. If not they can recommend someone discreetly and quietly if you are disciplined to ask your parents, which may or may not be a good idea. I think asking them would be a wise idea but it is your choice - don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable doing.
Dignity of Difference, Sacks
Other good books: Lessons in Leadership, Sacks
Points to hit:
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Finally, books about culture clash between a rooted community and broad modernity, such as Joyce’s works, The Promise, and GWH, might interest you but also general books on culture clash, the theme Hirsi Ali dedicates her life’s work to exploring, studying, teaching, leading on and explicating. You might read Rushdie’s recent modern classic Knife, or additional books by him (you can get The Satanic Verses at many libraries and bookshops; including your local Barnes and Noble most likely, you don’t have to tell anyone; you don’t have to read that one either if you don’t wish; there are many others, too). You might read Lee Maracle’s Ravensong, Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye, Song of Solomon or Beloved, or Jazz. Or “ Hope Matters”, by Maracla, Tania Carter, and Columpa Bobb. Or the works of Coleman or Langston Hughes. Or the novels, plays, interviews, and diverse writings of Potok. “ The Promise” dramatizes how fanaticism is repressed doubt, a Jungian theme one suspects Mr. Peterson might like. And the dangers of cancel culture, mob politics and mob ideology - as before! This sounds extremely relevant to you.
See the resources of Anila Ali - including her speech at the march on Washington, a truly Kingian, brave, powerful speech.
Maybe this has nothing to do or little to do with feminism for you, or a mix of both. Rather, you firmly disbelieve in the religious, moral, and spiritual obligatory nature of veiling. Consider that the Rebbetzin Soloveitchik rebelled against her husband’s teaching about veiling, mandatory in my tradition only post-marriage, and wore natural hair a la Masih Alinejad. You can be like Mrs. Soloveitchik and Alinejad - wind in your hair. Or a flower a la Alinejad: a fashionable and free-thinking, free-spirit look!
The TV history-fantasy series, a popular melodrama, Turn, deals with issues of honor-and-shame culture vs. guilt-and-morality cultures, with the Americans represented as guilt and morality inspired, the British as honor and shame inspired. This takes historical liberties, but in the name of poetry; it’s wonderful art, truthful in its way, poetic and powerful. Seth Numrich is especially brilliant; so are all the actors: brilliant, brave, beautifully gifted. And bravura!
Phyllis Chesler’s writings and personal and political friendships and alliances with Muslim ladies fighting for their basic rights, may be useful and inspiring to you. See her website.
You may find resources of Lucy Aharish and Yoseph Haddad helpful, as well as his fiancee, a popular advocate for Muslim girls and women, Emily Schrader. She is a feminist activist who supported the green revolution and strongly supports Iranian women, as well as admiring Iranian women and their courage, patriotism, true honor, and heroism. A video of Mr. Haddad chivalrously defending his fiance, Schrader, and nation of birth while being physically and emotionally violently abused is upsetting, possibly triggering; watch at your risk, but if interested, go ahead. Trigger warning, he is told - well, I won’t say. Very evil and abusive words. However, he bravely persists and then mimes “peace” for the camera. He is nothing if not persistent; his ted talk, like that of Sacks, Namazie, and the popular young philosopher Hughes, is immensely worth watching. He spoke about peace, democracy, trauma and how it affects people, and human rights. Hughes spoke about identity politics and its dangers, and his personal passion for the legacy of Dr. King, of righteous and blessed memory. Her interviews with diverse Arab, ex-Muslim, and Muslim people on The Quad you may also find of interest.
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Professor Peterson, a Canadian like Manji, has excellent educational resources on psychology, sociology, anthropology, and spirituality accessible online, including a video in which he specifically talks to Muslims as fellow believers. He has a passion for helping young people. His views include ideas about how to get in touch with your masculine side, for women, or feminine side for men, based on Jung and additional great thinkers in his field. He also discusses issues like goal setting, merit, industry, and how to cope with cancel culture; he is like many of the brave activists referenced above a cancel culture survivor himself.
Try both Muslim and non-Muslim peers and/or mentors. And/or: a judicious, carefully chosen mix!
Talk to a non-Muslim peer, mentor or both. You can try to find Muslim such, there are moderate, modernist, anti-jihadist Muslims, many, who can and will be deeply sympathetic to your dilemma. They may not be in your neighborhood, local community center, mosque, or any and all. But they exist all over America and the world! You can quietly seek out another neighborhood, local community center, and/or mosques or any and all…
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Infidel: Ayaan Hirsi Ali
Morality; Restoring the Common Good, Sacks
The end of Race Politics, Hughes
What celebrity do you admire the most?
Masih Alinehad has an online educational resource dedicated entirely to girls and women like you, Hirsi Ali, a foundation. Both might be worth exploring.
Studies in Spirituality, Sacks
1a. Feminism: is this about that concept/ideal/movement? You might watch On the Basis of sex, and discuss with the ally/friend/peer/mentor. Take notes, free-write - it’s called an emotion-diary or vomit-draft! Also: analyze, debate, and discuss. What made her such a successful feminist advocate? How does the story dramatize the natural interconnection and intersecting solidarity of men’s and female rights? What did she do to cope with obstacles and adversity? How did she deal with sexism personally, professionally, and politically? What was the importance and connection of her client’s life story to her own? What was the importance of this trial? And verdict, historically, politically, morally, ethically, and legally? What is important to you about feminism or if you choose not to self-identify thusly, about women’s rights support? What does feminism mean to you? Why do you call yourself a feminist if you do? Why are you committed to principles of feminism and/or women’s rights? Who are the most important feminist heroines and thinkers for you - like Simone de beauvoir, RBG, Susan B. Anthony, Myra Bradwell (referenced in the film) Sojourner Truth, Masih Alinejad, Maryam Namazie, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, and more? How does this relate to women in Islam?
When do you start "growing old"?
See also Henrik Ibsen’s A Doll’s House, Ghosts, and Enemy of the People, which deal with honor-and-shame cultures; and Miss Julie, The Ghost Sonata, A Dream Play, The Father, especially the two realist classics, Miss Julie and The Father. Ghost Sonata is also beautifully accessible, elegant and moving; A Dream Play is the most challenging but also rewarding read. All also deal with issues of repression. So too, How I Learned to drive (Paula Vogel). Another classic film about the difference between honor-and-shame versus guilt and morality: Erin Brockovich, based on a true story and likely loosely on Enemy of the People (a broken romance and family life, combined with a heroic individualistic-rebellious half-tragic half-victorious mission, to save the people from injustice and corruption caused by systemic, environmental factors, with a feminist and modern, progressive twist that keeps and extends the soul of the original). “Frances” and the comedy she made the same year Tootsie, both deserve viewings as deeply brilliant explorations of honor and shame cultures in very different angles and contexts.
You might also find resources of opponents of identity politics and tribalism valuable, educational, inspiring and/or useful. See the writings and talks of Prof. McWhorter of Columbia, Africa Brooke, Coleman Hughes, Kmele Foster, Chloe Valdary, Thomas Chatterton Williams, and Thomas Sowell. Also, Haddad, and Schrader. Ashira Solomon and the Mayor of Jerusalem are also very worth watching - you can see them regularly on the Quad, where frequent Muslim, Arab and ex-Muslim guests appear.
A great book for young girls and women is Kwan’s The Winning Attitude. You might also find useful the self-help book The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Inspiring tales of young girls and women such as the biographies of Sarah Hughes, Sasha Cohen, Oksana Baiul (autobiography), Aly Raisman (same), Simone Biles (same), Tara Lipinski (ditto), are accessible online, in bookshops and libraries. Kwan’s book is outstanding and extremely wise.
Radical: Maajid Nawaz
Joyce indeed often dealt with honor and shame culture issues, such as in his short stories, as well as classic work Portrait of the Artist as a young man. Another book dealing with these issues, which possibly influenced Good Will Hunting - the lake scene, and others - themes of genius, madness, science, censorship, faith (in human potential as much or more than Divinity!) and repression, seem like an influence or inspiration from Potok, assuming they read his book: The Promise! You may find this, as The Chosen, and many of his additional works such as Davita’s Harp, the Asher Lev novels (“ My name is Asher Lev” “ The Gift of Asher Lev”), useful, relevant, educational and inspiring to you. The Book of Lights and the play based on it, and the plays based on The Promise and The Chosen, you may also find useful, and the rest. The Promise, The Chosen, Good Will Hunting, and additional works such as Frances, The Imitation Game, Splendor in the Grass, and One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, a screenplay, movie and novel all, all deal to varying extents and varying ways with issues of censorship, honor-and-shame cultures, and repression both systemic and personal. And interpersonal. See also The Heiress, plus as with the other referenced movies, its score - by Copland.
Maybe there are issues of honor involved. Ruth Benedict wrote a great classic on the difference between honor and shame cultures and guilt/morality/righteousness cultures. Books like this also help elucidate the important and necessary, vital distinctions, if nuanced ones, yet crucial - righteousness vs. self-righteousness. Many folks, left, right, religious, secular, Western and/or Judeo-Christian, Islamic, mix these up terribly and tremendously. You’re clearly not one of them: too bright, reasonable, brave and wise for that. Good for you! You’re already ahead. Consider watching a cinematic reflection on the dangers of honor culture. Good Will Hunting, written by the starring actors Damon and Affleck, who won an Oscar for their work, deals with honor, shame, ambition, toxic masculinity, and questions of love, virtue, generations, and work. There are also issues of gender, sexuality, social class, money power and privilege in the script. Also, a subtle Protestant vs. Catholic subtext-based plot line deals in issues of religion, with nationalism subtly there as well - England vs Ireland or England vs America, really both. The tone, genre and style is very Irish - like a Joyce or O’Casey work, but spoiler alert: the ending is actually influenced by of all things, Italian cinema.
You might also find learning about Malala compelling, useful, educational, and/or inspiring.
Finally, a last thought: express and explain to your parents, if you think this a good idea, some ideas you both might like. For instance modesty rules you can live with, like no super-short skirts, or no short (like, above the knee) skirts at all. Or a sun hat in intense sun (also good for you). Or skirts and no blue jeans in mosques and Islamic community-and-culture centers. Alternatively, offer to do more chores, more math tutoring sessions at school, more English or history tutoring sessions, or tutor a younger cousin, sibling, peer, or any and all combinations. Or to eat healthier. If you make a promises stick to that as best you possibly can this is only fair considering you are demanding and expecting them to stick to the promise to accept you and your beliefs as you and they are. If not, if you don’t make a promise, that’s fine too. Sometimes people are more accepting of an idea they dislike when balanced and blended, with one they like. It is a trade-off and compromise, not a bribe!
Extracurricular activities, at a JCC, YMCA, and/or Islamic community and culture center, might help you. Consider calligraphy, jazz dance, swimming, other dance, or other sports. You might be interested in anything from hip hop, ballroom, belly dance, and/or ballet. You can choose one dance and/or sport, and cross-train with one or multiple others. Or take some music classes at a studio like Lucy Moses, dance at a place like Steps or Broadway Dance Center or Ballet Arts, or acting classes at a place like Barrow. Check out local museums for guided tours, lectures, discussions, classes and any other activities. Even a walk or jog in the park can boost mood and both physical and mental peace, flourishing, and well-being. Eating healthy and sleeping right also helps. Volunteering, too: your local mosque, Islamic community and culture center, YMCA and JCC all might offer valuable opportunities that way which also, as with other extracurriculars looks good on a college application and can help you shine in that context.
Check out talks by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Professor Manji, writing of Dr. Qanta Ahmed, talks of Sarah Haider, Yasmine Mohammed, Masih Alinejad, and Maryam Namazie. See Namazie’s ted talk, creativity in protesting religious fundamentalism. You may also find those of Samina Ali and Lesley Hazleton engaging, inspiring, valuable, useful. Or, any and all.
The Courage to be Disliked: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
The dynamic you describe, disliking the veil more dialectically, is very common, normal, and natural. Make a list of the reasons you don’t want to veil. If it’s harassment of a racist and/or Islamophobic nature, consider continuing to wear it as you may want to do so without the harassment; talk to police, a guidance counselor, teacher, coach, and/or principal, social workers and psychologists can also help. And in extreme contexts of bullying even a lawyer(s).
Don’t Label me, Prof. Manji. I really hope this helps. Thanks for your bravery, honesty, and sensitivity and curiosity: wonderful and noble virtues I heartily salute, respect, and admire. I have every trust and faith you’ll do wondrously. Meditate and pray on it if you like, role-play and journal. Cheers and best wishes, every, every, and every rainbow blessing in the world, Carina.
That’s the polar opposite of, and against, coercion and force in the name of religion. You can be more like Hagar and Sarah/Sarai, in staying quietly true to spirituality and your Creator. Than a covert jihadist like Mehdi Hasan, or Ilhan Omar, or an open one like the viciously politicized Machiavellian faith-as-weapon of Sinwar and Tlaib. True spirituality, modesty, as piety and devotion, are internal. They don’t need public or outwards-personal expression: they exist deeply, infinitely, eternally, in the soul. Soloveitchik, a great Jewish philosopher, theologian, and early landmark theorist in interfaith dialog and activism, not unlike Sacks, wrote about this in his innovative and elegant reading of Genesis - relevant to Jews, Christians, and Muslims. This book indeed dramatizes close connections and spiritual bonds of brotherhood or sisterhood, under the fatherhood of the Creator, or motherhood if one prefers. We are united by our simultaneous solitude and one-among-many quality before the Creator as the book dramatizes, and torn in two by different facets of man’s and woman’s essence, soul and core, and spiritual deep being and substance. Navigating that deep solitude with courage and conviction and commitment - as he and his wife did, with or without a veil, is faith, and spirituality. Showing off to quell doubt - every fanatic, as Jung noted wisely, is a repressed doubter, both religious and secular fundamentalists are thusly: that’s dangerous, bigoted, destructive and evil, and as far as possible from the path of true faith, spirituality, justice, and honor as it is possible to be.
Practice prep for role play:
If your family physically abuses and/or threatens you also call the police - you can and must. However thankfully it sounds like that is NOT necessary, thank Heaven. If so, do so.